Broken Pieces.

“For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen. A nebula must collapse. So collapse. Crumble. This is not the end. This is the beginning.”

Up shit creek and without a paddle. That pretty much sums up how today has been! I never planned for today to happen. Not once did it cross my mind that my Life Plan A wouldn’t work. But today, Life Plan A failed. Throwing a spanner into the works with regard to my 5 year plan, my 10 year plan and my 20 year plan (yes I’m that sad, and I do plan that far ahead).

But today, I found out that I’d been rejected from university. The one place I need to go in order to fulfil my biggest goal. And there it was. In plain black and white, clear as day, telling me I had been unsuccessful.

I’ll be honest. I broke. Completely. Cracked.

I cried in work, I cried on the way home from work, and I cried at home. I’ll probably cry a lot more too.

I’m shocked, deflated, confused and devastated all in one. My interview went so well, and I’ve done all the right things to get me on the best track possible to being the best paramedic I can possibly be. And yet still, it’s a no.

Explaining the devastation to a colleague was actually quite difficult. No one gets how much I bloody want this as my career. No one! But me. I likened it to my initial childhood ambition of being an elite triathlete. I tried, I tried so so hard and in the end it broke me. I had 7 stress fractures, stressful training periods, failed relationships, damaged health, all in the name of chasing a goal. Now, I’ve chosen another goal, and I’ve failed at that too. Destined to fail perhaps?

No. Pity party over & back to reality. I will not be beaten and I will not give up. Fire in my belly and all that! Plan B. Ok, here’s the problem. I don’t have a Plan B. Hence my current predicament. I’ve collapsed and crumbled, but now i must begin again.

Perhaps this year WASN’T my time. Perhaps I wasn’t totally ready. Perhaps I’m just destined to keep plodding for another year. Maybe it’s my body’s way of telling me to stop for a bit? Slow down and enjoy the ride? Stop chasing goal after goal, and relax a little bit. Who knows. Maybe I really did just have a shit interview. I don’t know.

But what I do know is that this won’t break me. Oh no, it definitely won’t break me for good. ‘Pick yourself back up, dust yourself off, and try again.’ So that’s what I intend on doing. Life Plan B will start to surface soon. But if it doesn’t, does it really matter anyway? Do I need to stick to plan? Since the age of 16, I’ve stuck to a plan. Daily targets, weekly training schedules, monthly goals, an annual focus. Perhaps it’s time I let that mentality go, and learnt to go with the flow. I’m a fiercely determined girl, with a tenacity that can quite often get me into trouble. I guess sometimes it’s important to challenge yourself, out of the comfort zone even for a short while.

So here is my promise. My resolution to ‘go with the flow’. Forget the 5, 10, 20 year plans. Forget tomorrow! Focus on TODAY. What can I do TODAY that will mean I will get the most out of the 86,400 seconds I’m given each day. Use them all up, why not? I’ll never get them back.

Time for a fresh outlook, and a pressure free year. Plod along, but enjoy those precious seconds. I’ll achieve my goal one day. Not this year, and maybe not even next. But I sure as hell am not giving up my fight.

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2 thoughts on “Broken Pieces.

    • I’ve actually just started doing Pilates, and it’s working wonders. Just something I can do that relaxes me but teaches me to appreciate what I can do, and not focus on what I can’t. Think I’ll read into meditation and mindfulness too, see what I can gather from that 🙂

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